


Capax Infiniti

by missgoalie75



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-25
Updated: 2013-03-25
Packaged: 2017-12-06 09:57:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missgoalie75/pseuds/missgoalie75
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Castiel takes possession of Jimmy's body, he let's Jimmy live through his happiest memories, but the events happening outside of Jimmy's mind interrupt his peace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Capax Infiniti

**Author's Note:**

> [All art by TeamAbodo on LiveJournal!!](http://teamabodo.livejournal.com/24483.html)
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: Lyrics used in this fic and Supernatural and its characters don't belong to me.
> 
> Spoilers/Warnings: through 4x22 and minor for 6x20; language, mental illness (OC), mentioned suicide (OC), OC character death (only mentioned, but the character is a child)

[ ](http://clair-chan.deviantart.com/art/SPN-Capax-Infiniti-360949520)

Jimmy Novak blinks and he finds himself standing in a garden.

He's no longer wearing a suit, trench coat, and dress shoes. Instead he's wearing his once favorite shirt with Duran Duran's _Rio_ album cover printed on it, worn and comfortable like it was the last time he saw it before it was stolen fifteen years ago. And he's wearing his favorite pair of jeans – soft from too many washes and there's a hole inside the back left pocket.

There's lush grass under his feet and flowers in his peripheral, vibrant and colorful, and it reminds him of the _The Secret Garden_ a little, which makes him wish that Claire was here to see a bedtime story come to life.

He turns around, admiring the quiet and serenity until he sees himself standing a few feet away, wearing the suit and trench coat and dress shoes he was wearing before. Although this version of himself has an unsettling air to him, causing the hair on his arms to stand up, his breath to hitch in his throat.

"Castiel," Jimmy murmurs.

Castiel takes a few steps toward him and Jimmy can see how unnaturally blue his eyes are, almost neon. "Jimmy."

Jimmy swallows thickly. "Where are we?"

"Inside your mind."

Jimmy looks around, the scenery unchanged.

"This is a construct of my creation," Castiel answers without Jimmy having to ask, although he no doubt sensed his confusion and curiosity.

While peaceful and stunning, it may be just a little too fantastical because even though Jimmy hasn't seen very many gardens larger than a backyard, he's sure some of these colors don't exist, that with his human eyes, he wouldn't be able to notice beyond red and purple and blue.

"You are doing a great service for Heaven and Our Father," Castiel continues. "I just have one request that also requires your consent."

Jimmy narrows his eyes at him. "Alright," he says, permitting him to continue.

"If you would like, I can access your memories – your happiest ones – and have you experience them as I go about fulfilling my duties."

"Can't you just – aren't you already in my head? Shouldn't you automatically have access?" Jimmy blurts, bewildered at the concept of an all-powerful angel needing a simple human’s permission to do what must be so easy.

"Yes, but I could simply slip your mind into an unconscious state as well."

Jimmy still finds it strangely kind that he's giving him a choice, although maybe free will is something that cannot ever be taken away from a human being, a rule of Heaven and God's angels.

Maybe being unconscious won't be terrible, although the idea of essentially being asleep without know when he'll be waking up is terrifying. It reminds him of being ten when his grandpa died in his sleep and he was _so afraid_ of the same thing happening to him.

"Yeah – yes. You can…go through my memories," Jimmy says, clearing his throat.

Castiel nods, taking another step closer, power blazing in his eyes as he brings two fingers to his forehead. Jimmy feels a warm pulse bleed through his skin and bones before his eyes shut.

**

Jimmy opens his eyes to Maggie Merlis kissing him in Greg Samson's basement closet on Halloween of 1986. It's his first kiss during a game of Seven Minutes of Heaven and he's dressed as Jason from _Friday the 13th_ since it's the easiest to dress for. He borrowed the mask from Alex across the street, which is now hanging off the back of his neck.

Maggie has white fluffy wings and a golden halo above her head and he hopes her bright pink lipstick isn't all over his mouth. But his breathing is shallow and he's trying to keep his hands from shaking because _he kissed a girl_.

Although he could've gone without having "Rock Me Amadeus" as a soundtrack because that song is getting _annoying_.

The door flies open and they blink at the light as their friends catcall and wolf-whistle. Jimmy brings a hand to his mouth and pink shows up on his fingers, but he thinks he can probably get away with it this once. Although he's grateful when his best friend David hands him a tissue all the same.

"So, how was it?" David asks eagerly.

Jimmy remembers Alex telling him that you shouldn't kiss and tell, but this is his best friend, so he says, "It was awesome."

David slaps him on the back. "I'm gonna go back in – I'm crossing my fingers for Lizzie because she's so hot and seriously, who wouldn't want to get with MJ?" he says, throwing his arms off to show off his Michael Jackson ensemble.

Jimmy doesn't bother pointing out that it seems like Michael Jackson is starting to lose it, but he doesn't follow all that too well. It doesn't help that Alex scoffs whenever he comes up on the radio.

He catches Maggie's eye across the room and they smile at each other, her cheeks turning bright pink and he feels on top of the world. He goes to the refreshments table and grabs a Coke, taking a swig and closing his eyes as it goes down his throat.

**

He opens his eyes and _gloria, in excelsis Deo_ is falling from his lips at age six during Christmas Eve mass. His parents are on either side of him, standing so tall and it's so warm in the church, every seat filled and there are people standing in the way back too.

The way everyone is singing together, high voices mixing with low, Jimmy thinks they all sound like a chorus of angels.

His mother puts an arm around his shoulders and he leans into her touch automatically, shutting his eyes briefly to _listen_.

**

Jimmy suddenly wakes up from dozing off and he can't believe he missed part of _Back to the Future_ , but traveling two hours to Chicago has been exhausting, having gone to mass early in the morning.

He wakes up due to Marty being unable to play the guitar anymore, the notes jarring and loud. He sneaks a glance next to him but Alex hasn't noticed yet.

"Earth Angel" is still playing and his mother loves this song, dancing to it in the kitchen when she pulls out her records.

He unwittingly starts humming along and the theater bursts into applause when George McFly pushes the bully away and kisses Lorraine, Marty's existence saved. Alex whistles, sharp and clear, and Jimmy laughs because Alex has to be the loudest person in the room, always.

Jimmy starts wiggling a little in his seat to the beats of "Johnny B Goode" and Alex shoves his head with a hand and Jimmy turns his head away, shutting his eyes so he doesn't get a finger in the eye.

**

His throat is burning from the shot and his eyes are squeezed shut as he tries not to cough. Kyle from his freshman year Public Relations class is slapping him on the back, laughing.

"Come on Christian Boy, suck it up."

"Hey, at least I took it in one go," Jimmy answers in a hoarse voice. "I feel like I just drank gasoline what the hell did I just take?"

"Wild Turkey, my friend."

Jimmy furrows his brow.

"Bourbon," Kyle further explains with a roll of his eyes. "Jesus, what did you do in high school – did you not even try to sneak any church wine?"

Jimmy rolls his eyes. "It's called the Sacramental wine and no, I told you I went to public school."

"Well you might as well have gone to Catholic school. It's a good thing you met me because I can teach you things so the world doesn't judge you."

"No, _you_ just judge me."

Kyle grins and winks at him before ordering two beers. The bartender Charlie doesn't bother checking their IDs even though they're barely twenty. The rule is tipping is required, a generous one at that, which Jimmy always leaves after Kyle takes their drinks back to their table. Jimmy gives Charlie a rueful smile on his face, but Charlie isn't having any of it.

"He better watch it," Charlie warns. "I'll kick him out next time. Getting sick of his shit."

"I'll talk to him," Jimmy tells him. "Sorry."

Charlie waves him off and Jimmy heads back to the table where Kyle is already chugging his drink. Sighing, Jimmy takes a seat and sips at his beer. "You have to tip next round, Kyle. Charlie's pissed."

"He's always pissed," Kyle snorts. "I'm a loyal customer."

Jimmy shakes his head, rolling his eyes when Kyle slams down his empty beer, satisfied and smug.

Jimmy looks around the bar, almost full of ISU students, some of which are already drunk. There's a guy who seems to be celebrating his twenty-first birthday and he falls off his stool with a crash. Half the bar gets quiet until he yells, "I'm okay!"

Jimmy's about to turn back to Kyle and ask if he invited Jon out with them because he can't stand that guy, but a group of girls walking into the bar catch his attention. Kyle whistles lowly by his ear. "Check the rack on that brunette. Jesus Christ."

Jimmy rolls his eyes, knowing Kyle won't listen to his complaints if he brings up his dislike of using the Lord's name in vain, but it all disappears when he catches the eye of one of them. She's not as voluptuous as the brunette Kyle is eyeing – in fact, there's nothing that really distinguishes her, but her _smile_ is infectious and lovely.

Having it directed at him – even a smaller, shyer one – is enough to make him flush around his neck. He returns it with a smile of his own.

"Did you just check out a girl? Call the presses!"

Jimmy shoots Kyle a glare, wondering not for the first time why he bothers with him.

(He knows it's because he reminds him of Alex but he doesn't want to think about Alex, not now.)

"Hey, can I have your beer? Too lazy to go up for another. Also I think Charlie is going to throw me out," Kyle says, already taking Jimmy's beer.

"Are you joking?"

"Here, I'll front you the cash, just go! Right now!"

Jimmy narrows his eyes and takes the cash, muttering under his breath as he makes his way around the tables to the counter. Charlie just side eyes him when he makes it.

"He's afraid of me," Charlie states.

Jimmy sighs. "I'll take another beer, please."

"Same here."

Jimmy whips his head to his left and there she is.

Kyle does have his moments after all.

"I got it, don't worry," Jimmy says as she pulls out her wallet.

She smiles. "Thank you." She curls a piece of caramel-colored hair behind her. "I'm Amelia."

"Jimmy. Nice to meet you."

Charlie slides over their drinks and Jimmy hands him the entire bill. "It's on Kyle," Jimmy tells him.

Charlie grins and takes the money with a flourish. "Enjoy."

"Kyle?" Amelia asks, taking a sip of beer. "You mean that guy you were sitting with who was blatantly staring at my friend Sandra's chest?"

Jimmy nearly chokes on his beer. "I'm sorry about him."

Amelia laughs. "We're all used to it. She's taken, though. Boyfriend's in grad school."

"I'll be sure to inform him."

"Come _on_ , Amelia. We _said_ all girls' night!"

Amelia's friend Sandra comes up behind Amelia, nearly scaring her. "Right," Amelia says, flustered. "I'll see you around, I guess," she directs towards Jimmy.

"Have a good night, Amelia."

She gives him a large smile and there's no doubt in his mind that he's a little in love with her.

"Hey, Charlie, I'll take another beer," Jimmy calls out.

Charlie huffs. "Really?"

"Yeah, kinda owe Kyle."

"What, for her?" Charlie says, nodding at the empty space where Amelia was standing.

Jimmy shrugs, smiling.

"Fine. Just because he did a good deed. Next time he better come up to my face and tip me, got it?"

When Jimmy comes back to the table and slides the beer towards Kyle, he says, "Thank you."

Kyle just winks at him and throws back his beer before taking up the next one. "Wait, where the fuck's my change?"

**

Jimmy jolts back to the priest's sermon, guilty, but his head is pounding and next time he plans on going out on a Saturday night, he should go to the Saturday evening mass.

He sighs, pulling on his collar a little and forcing himself to not check his watch. Instead, his eyes wander around the church, which is filled with young families and elderly couples; there aren't a lot of ISU students with him except –

There's Amelia to his right, wearing a yellow sundress and looking so, so pretty.

He's a little ashamed that he stares at her more than the priest for the rest of mass.

**

He blinks at the bright sun when he steps outside, going down the steps and calling out, "Amelia," when he spots her a few feet away.

She turns around and beams at him. "Jimmy? Hi! How are you?"

He gives her a grim smile. "I've been better, admittedly. You?"

She pats his arm sympathetically. "I'm fine, although I've been in your shoes once or twice. Do you always go to Sunday mass?"

"Yeah, when I can. Although I may have to reconsider that if there are more Saturdays like yesterday to come."

"Rough night?" she asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Don't ever get into a chugging contest with Kyle McCarthy – you will _lose_. Embarrassingly, if I might add."

"Why, did you puke?"

"Close – I spat out half a beer spectacularly. I probably won't go back for a month."

Amelia laughs with her entire body – she throws her head back and is shamelessly loud. "Well that's a shame. I guess I'll just have to see you next mass, then."

When it turns out they both live in East Campus, Jimmy may have skipped back to his room, just a little.

**

Claire's crying immediately wakes him up and he has to gently shake Amelia's shoulder because she's still a heavy sleeper. "Ames," he says.

She groans, but gets up. "Feeding?" she mumbles, eyes still closed as she pushes the comforter off herself.

"If it's a changing you're free to whack me."

"I'll hold you to that."

She picks up Claire from the cot before relaxing in their bed again. A strap from her tank top is already off, so she just guides Claire to her breast. Jimmy carefully brings an arm around her shoulders so she can rest against his side.

"'M gonna fall asleep," Amelia murmurs, resting her head on his shoulder.

He smiles, running a hand up and down her arm as he watches Claire suckle and there's something so miraculous about such a tiny thing just _knowing_ what to do.

Even though Amelia ends up falling asleep ten minutes later, he's still watching.

**

"Are you okay?"

Jimmy opens his eyes, looking down at Amelia with a sleepy expression. She's long lost her witch's hat – he thinks he last saw it on Kyle's head since he's been collecting everyone's hats – and her eye makeup is smudged a bit, but her cheeks are flushed and her smile is wide.

"Yeah, jus comin' down," he slurs a bit, resting his head against the wall of the hallway. "You?"

"Same. So, so tired. I'd go back to my room, but I don' have the key," she pouts.

He goes to grab her wrist, but his sight is a bit off so he ends up actually grabbing her hand instead. Too drunk and too pleased to care, he leads her further down the hallway until they reach the door leading to the staircases, which are thankfully empty. Gently tugging her down, he sits down on the ground and she follows quickly after.

They fall asleep until Kyle rips open the door, screaming for him.

Jimmy bangs his head against the wall and groans, closing his eyes and Amelia drops her head on his shoulder.

(They're still holding hands.)

**

Halloween this year is _cold_ , but Amelia has Claire wearing a sweater and her winter coat underneath her witch's garb. The bright blue scarf Claire is supposed to be wearing is in her trick-or-treat basket because _witches don't wear blue, Mom!_

Amelia is letting it go because she sort of has a point, but the moment Claire shivers, the scarf is going around her neck.

They go up and down their block and then to the cul-de-sac down the road because the four houses there tend to go all-out during the holidays, their decorations lavish and crazy.

Even though Claire's too old for this, he carries her halfway back to their house. She's still small enough that his back doesn't strain like a lot of his friends' when they attempt to carry their kids. Amelia is carrying Claire's basket, peaking inside to see what she got.

"She's _so_ your daughter, there's a gross amount of Snickers in here," Amelia says with a grimace. "I've failed as a mother."

Jimmy laughs quietly, rubbing a hand up and down his daughter's back. "She got the good taste from me, what can I say."

"Ew, and what is _wrong_ with the Smiths? They're as bland as their name – _pretzels_? Who gives _pretzels_ on Halloween?"

"At least they're Halloween themed."

She shakes her head. "Terrible."

"The real tragedy would be if she got licorice," Jimmy points out.

"So true."

Once they've made it back to their house, Jimmy lowers Claire to couch, taking off her hat to run a hand through her hair. "Claire, we're home."

She blearily opens her eyes, but is alert in a few moments when she asks, "Did you steal any of my candy?"

"No," he responds with a laugh, "you took too many Snickers for Mom to steal."

"I know, that's why I'm asking _you_."

He widens his eyes in surprise and laughs again. "No, but I'm not above it."

She stares at him with a hard expression and he has to bite the inside of cheek to keep his face neutral. "I can give you _one_ Snickers. Actually two, since you carried me home."

"That sounds fair. And hey, you know what would make Mom really happy?"

"What?"

"Give her all the licorice you got. And the pretzels."

Claire stares at him as if he's crazy for a few seconds before it clicks, then she grins. "Okay." She jumps off the couch and runs into the kitchen.

He waits a minute until he hears Amelia yell, " _Jimmy_!" in an exasperated tone before joining them, laughing the whole time.

**

Dargan Park isn't Jimmy's favorite park in Pontiac. It's smaller and it only has a playground, which is great for Claire, but not much else otherwise.

Amelia is by the playground now with Claire, who's on a play date with Emily, a girl in Claire's pre-school. He's currently in the picnic pavilion with a book, trying to catch his breath after running with them for the past half hour.

He's reading _The Dirt_ , the autobiography by the members of Mötley Crüe, a band he tolerated as a kid, but Alex loved them. When Jimmy read about its release in the paper, he decided to take it out of the library to maybe discover what about the band attracted Alex.

(Beyond the fact that their local church would reprimand anyone who expressed an interest in such a _satanic_ band.)

He's heard about their _discretions_ and Alex used to rant about how cool they were during long drives to Chicago, but Jimmy doesn't realize it until he's reading this autobiography that maybe all Alex wanted to do was _live_ , even in extremes since God knows they weren't getting them in their small town.

And there's something strangely thoughtful and beautiful in Tommy Lee's love for his sons; there's pain in Nikki Sixx's traumatic childhood, Mick Mars' bone disease, and Vince Neil's loss of his daughter to cancer, which Jimmy can't even wrap his mind around.

It's just further proof that Alex always saw the truth in people beyond the façades, the good and the bad. That Alex saw something in Jimmy that was bigger than Eureka, Illinois, a town with a population of no more than five-thousand, less than half of Pontiac.

( _Capax infiniti_.)

He closes his eyes and says a prayer. When the sun shines out from a dark cloud, he smiles.

**

Jimmy and David are on the swings during recess, kicking their legs and swinging higher and higher.

"Let's jump!" David says, his brown eyes alight with mischief and maybe Jimmy can convince Alex to invite him out with them next time because Alex would definitely like David.

"Okay," Jimmy agrees, even though he's nervous.

"One!" David yells.

"Two," Jimmy says, gulping.

"Three!"

Jimmy lets go and for a moment, he _flies_.

**

Alex's family – the McCarthy O'Heas (they're very Irish) – is wealthy, all things considering. They rent a house on Lake Michigan every summer and Jimmy usually gets to go for a week, despite his mother's hesitations since she never cared for Alex, and her feelings only worsen with time.

Jimmy is fifteen and Alex is seventeen – it's the summer before Jimmy's sophomore year and Alex's senior year, but Alex doesn't want to talk about it, despite Mr. and Mrs. McCarthy O'Hea's insistence on thinking about college.

Jimmy is resting on a towel, wearing a worn out pair of green swim trunks and Alex's pair of Wayfarers that they've been sharing throughout the trip since Jimmy forgot his sunglasses at home. Alex is just coming out of the lake, dripping from head to toe and there's something strange about the way the sun is glinting off her red hair, now practically brown as it wetly sticks to her pale face.

"Come on, Jimmy-Jam!" Alex calls to him, her voice sounding strange. Maybe she inhaled water during her swim since she tends to inhale water whenever she first dives in.

"It's cold," Jimmy complains. "Maybe later."

Alex huffs and stomps over to his towel. Once she's in front of him, she shakes her head so drops of water will fall on him.

"Alex!" he yells, glaring up at her as he rubs his arms, which are covered in goosebumps.

"Come _on_ , you big baby." And with strength that's really too much for her lithe frame, she pulls him up from the towel and leads him to the water.

The water is _freezing_ , but it's a balm for his burned neck and shoulders and he laughs when he dunks Alex into the water, catching her by surprise.

**

_Rio_ is released in May of 1982 and Jimmy is nine and only has the cassette because Alex got it for him. Jimmy hides it in a pair of socks he never wears because his mother wouldn't like knowing he listens to a band that is popular on MTV.

Duran Duran is coming to Chicago in July and Jimmy knows he's never going to see them, which he's okay with, which Alex finds bizarre because even though Duran Duran isn't her favorite, she's still angry on principle that she can't go to concerts whenever she pleases.

Especially since Donnie, her sixteen-year-old cousin from Chicago, gets to go to all the concerts and loves to rub it in Alex's face.

"Not looking forward to them coming today," Alex says, a grimace on her face that doesn't work on her face. "I don't even _like_ Duran Duran that much and he'll still piss me off about it and how _cool_ it was."

Jimmy's not a fan of Donnie either – he's kind of a jerk – but he holds his tongue because he's not supposed to talk about people behind their backs. "You shouldn't curse," he says instead.

Alex huffs. "Sorry," she grumbles before getting to her feet. "I have to go home, but I'll be back, okay? I know it'll be after dark, but just look out for me."

Jimmy's unsure because he really doesn't like disobeying his parents, but she's almost pleading, which she never does, so he nods.

"Okay, good, 'cause you're going to like it, trust me."

A few hours later Alex comes by with a t-shirt with _Rio_ 's album cover on it, saying how she had to pay her cousin a lot for him to get it for her. The shirt is way too big and he isn't going to be able to wear it for a while, but he clutches it to his chest before giving Alex a hug.

They never hug, Alex not very comfortable with affection, but he does it anyway, wondering why she feels so frail in his arms. "Thank you," he says.

"No problem. Just make sure your parents don't find it, okay?" Her voice is uncharacteristically soft and it's just _wrong_.

Suddenly there's a really strange bright light blinding him and he feels himself hurtling forward into _nothing_ and then –

**

Jimmy's holding Amelia's hand too tightly when they walk up the stairs to Alex's room. Mr. and Mrs. McCarthy O'Hea had greeted them with tired smiles and gestured for them to go upstairs. They say Alex is doing well today, but for Jimmy, 'well' isn’t _normal_ , isn't the Alex he grew up with.

Once they're in front of Alex's door, Jimmy squeezes his eyes shut, and takes a deep breath. Amelia remains steady by his side, patient as he readies himself to open the door.

Alex is smoking a cigarette in matching-set pajamas she wouldn't have been caught in _before_ , staring out the window with those dead eyes that have haunted him since freshman year of college. Amelia squeezes his hand and "I love you" is always on the tip of his tongue these days.

"Hey, Alex?" Jimmy says roughly before clearing his throat.

Alex whips her head towards him and _smiles_. "Jimmy-Jam."

He almost cries and he thinks he smiles way too big. "Hi."

Her eyes drift to Amelia, a slow smile growing on her face. "And who's this?"

"Amelia," Amelia supplies, smiling. "It's nice to finally meet you. Jimmy has told me so much about you."

Alex hums and doesn't say anything.

"Uh, I brought cards," Jimmy stutters to break the silence, reaching into his pocket for the deck he bought a few months ago just for these visits. "I thought we could play Go Fish."

Alex winks at Amelia. "She can my team."

Jimmy winces at the fragmented sentence but lets it go. "Just as a warning, she's terrible," he says.

"Hey!" Amelia gasps, lightly hitting him.

Alex slips from time to time, but she's easy to draw back in today, which Jimmy's eternally grateful for. And when Amelia excuses herself to use the restroom, Alex gives him a knowing look that takes him back to when they were in high school. "I like her," Alex tells him.

Jimmy nods, wiping the corner of his eye quickly to prevent tears from falling. "That's good," he says, grinning.

(He can see a little bit of her tattoo from the opening in her shirt and his grin fades a little.)

As soon as Jimmy and Amelia step out of the house, Jimmy turns to Amelia and says, "I love you."

Her blue eyes widen and he can see Mrs. McCarthy O'Hea's hydrangeas reflected in the corners of her eyes. Then her face breaks into a gorgeous smile as she places her hands on either side of his face, whispering the words back against his mouth before kissing him.

**

There's a sensation of rising from deep waters and he can almost break the surface, so _close_ – 

**

Jimmy and Alex are sitting outside Alex's backyard, backs to the large tree that needs to be cut down because it's rotting from the inside out. It's Jimmy's first Thanksgiving break as a college student and he's missed home a lot more than he thought he would, despite his love for ISU.

Alex was happy enough in greeting him, but now she's staring off in the distance, something she's never really done before. He's trying to ignore the fact that her eyes look dead.

"You'd be proud of me," Jimmy says, a grimace on his face, "I made out with a girl whom I've never spoken to before at a Halloween party. Not my finest moment."

It takes a few beats too long for Alex to smile. "Finally, doing something age appropriate, Novak." She turns her head to look at him and her eyes are still dead.

He rubs his arms over his coat sleeves, a chill shuddering through him. "Yeah. My friend Kyle, whom you'd like, he's basically the little brother you never had, actually bought me a cake that read 'Congratulations, you're now a teenager' on it." He shakes his head.

"Something I'd do."

"Yeah, exactly! You should come up for a weekend. I mean my room is really small, but my roommate Jack is never there, so you can even steal his bed."

Finally, _finally_ there's life in her eyes as she smirks. "College girls?"

"Yeah," he says, ignoring how off her laugh sounds, the way her long hair falls down her back and –

 _This isn't right_.

He squeezes his eyes shut for a few seconds and then opens them, Alex's hair now short and shaggy the way it's supposed to be, the way that Jimmy has his hair when he can get away with it under his mother's watchful gaze. But then he blinks and it's long again, her facial features delicate even though he _knows_ Alex has a stronger jaw line, has broader shoulders and a deep voice and is the sibling Jimmy got a second chance of having, the _brother_ he's always wanted.

Jimmy clutches his head and opens his mouth to _scream_ , but he suddenly feels a tugging in his chest and in a blink, he's on his back, staring up at a perfect blue sky.

He takes a deep breath, feeling the plush grass under his hands, gripping it to ground himself. "What the _fuck_ ," he breathes out loud.

He hears a rustle by his ear and he propels himself forward to see Castiel standing a few feet away, looking very sad.

"Jimmy," he greets.

Jimmy shakily gets to his feet. "What – why – you did something," he stumbles, running a hand through his hair. "Alex – why the _hell_ was he a _girl_ what –"

"I apologize, that was not my intention," Castiel interrupts Jimmy, his brow furrowed and Jimmy considers how poorly in taste it would be to possibly punch an angel.

Castiel grimaces and Jimmy takes a step back, forgetting that they're inside _his_ head. "It seems I'm subconsciously manipulating your memories, inspired by my experiences on Earth."

Jimmy stares at him blankly. "You…you _changed_ the _sex_ of my friend – who the _hell –_ "

"I apologize," Castiel says again. "She is not of import."

"Not to me but certainly to you," Jimmy snaps without thinking.

Castiel's expression darkens. "No. Not any longer." He walks forward until he's almost toe-to-toe with Jimmy. "You'll be undisturbed." He brings two fingers to Jimmy's forehead and Jimmy involuntarily closes his eyes.

**

In 1980, Jimmy is six, his birthday coming up in a few weeks, and he's watching _The Bugs Bunny Show_ – or maybe it's _Looney Tunes_ or _Merrie Melodies_ – at nine in the morning. His father is reading the paper and sipping his coffee and his mother is doing the crossword puzzle, her eyes red from crying. They've been red from crying for the past few months.

Jimmy doesn't think he's seen this episode – Tweety and Sylvester have been snuck into a hotel that doesn't allow pets and Sylvester has been trying to eat Tweety.

Now Sylvester and Tweety and this bulldog are chasing each other in the hotel room, the mean man who works in the hotel banging on the door, interrupting their chase and forcing them to work together so they won't be thrown out of the hotel.

When the man storms into the room and is scolded by the dog, Sylvester, and Tweety mimicking a person, Tweety's head disproportionately smaller than the rest of the body, Jimmy hears a bark of laughter behind him.

He whips his head to find his _mother_ with a hand to her mouth, her eyes filled with mirth and it's the first time he's seen her happy since Jenny dying.

" _Attention everyone: someone has pets in this house, and I want them out of here immediately!_ "

When a stampede of animals run the man over, including an elephant, Jimmy's father starts chuckling as well.

Jimmy grins for the rest of the hour.

**

In Sunday school, they're supposed to be drawing an event leading up to the birth of Jesus in the spirit of Christmas. He's drawing the Annunciation, which is Gabriel telling the Virgin Mary that she will mother the Son of God.

He's coloring in Mary's clothes a bright blue when his teacher comes up behind him and says, "What is that?" pointing to Gabriel.

"The Archangel Gabriel."

"Oh? Why did you draw him as…a ball of light?"

"Because angels aren't people, ma'am. You said so in class." He turns to look at her and hopes he won't get in trouble.

To his surprise, she smiles at him. "That's very true. You're very creative, Jimmy."

His drawing is voted as the best.

In the late afternoon when his mother picks him up from the church, he looks up at the sky, watching the stars slowly come out and wonders if all the angels are stars, watching over everyone. Or maybe they're souls of people long gone, watching over family and friends.

But then he starts thinking about death and he knows there's Heaven for the good and Hell for the wicked, but what happens if there's…nothing?

He shudders and his mother reaches into the backseat to put a steady hand on his knee, making him feel better.

**

"(Don't Fear) The Reaper" is playing in Alex's car and they're going to be late – Jimmy's curfew is in five minutes and it's going to take them at least another fifteen to make it back to Eureka.

But at the moment, Jimmy doesn't mind too much, watching the tail lights in front of him flash red in the dark, letting the bass sink into his bones, the guitar surging alongside his pulse.

"So you believe in Heaven, right?"

Jimmy turns his head to look at Alex, who's clenching his jaw and his eyes are dark.

"Of course," he answers. "I have to," he adds quietly.

"Jenny."

Jimmy nods, taking a deep breath.

"I want to be sure," Alex admits, "because people like Jenny and you deserve that kind of thing. But I can't help but question it, you know?"

"You deserve it too."

Alex grimaces. "Tell that to my parents."

"Well, they're wrong. And could do with listening to God's Word every once in a while."

Alex throws his head back and laughs. "I think you're the only level-headed religious freak I know."

Jimmy smiles and shakes his head. "Are you still going to my Confirmation? It's in two weeks."

Alex dramatically groans. "Yes, I'll be bored out of my mind, but I'll go. Hopefully I won't blow my brains out."

"Don't joke about that."

Alex reaches across to ruffle Jimmy's hair. "I wouldn't miss it, okay? I'll cheer when your name is called."

"Oh God, please don't."

Alex grins and two weeks later, when Jimmy's full name is called (James Victor Dominic Novak), Alex catcalls and cheers like he just witnessed his team score a touchdown.

Jimmy tries to hold back a grin, but he thinks he does a poor job of it.

**

Amelia is sitting next to him on the ground, staring at the gravestone with "Jennifer Mary Novak, 1976-1979" carved into it. She's clutching the flowers she bought for the occasion and he kisses her temple.

"You were six," she says, disbelieving and so sad.

He nods. "She got the flu and never got better."

"I'm sorry." She places the flowers in front of them.

He closes his eyes and wonders what she would've looked like at eighteen. He remembers her having the same eyes as his, but her hair was a lighter shade of brown, like his mother's. He eventually opens his eyes, not able to really picture it.

"After she died, I kept having this nightmare about her soul being taken by – not an angel, but something out of a horror movie. A reaper with a skull for a face and glowing red eyes and after taking her, he'd take me too. I had it for _years_. I still get it every once in a while."

Amelia rests her head on his shoulder, bringing a hand to rest on his thigh where she lazily draws hearts with her finger. "Did you ever tell anyone about it?"

"No – why would I do that to my parents, who were already suffering enough?"

"Not even Alex?"

Jimmy closes his eyes again and tries to remember. "I think…" he starts slowly, "I think I only told him I had nightmares in a failed attempt to make him feel better about his own."

They sit in silence for a while until she says, "Please don't keep things like that to yourself – you always have me, okay?" She's pleading more than she's demanding and it's just so nice to have a shoulder to rest on, having been that shoulder for so many people for too long.

He smiles and says a prayer for his sister.

**

Amelia is on a date with one of Kyle's friends – Joshua – and Jimmy is pissed at Kyle for not talking his friend out of it and he knows his other friends are trying to cheer him up (or get him drunk enough to be cheered up). But at this point he just wants to go back to his dorm room for another round of berating because he should've gathered the courage to ask her out sooner and that's his own fault.

The pen that his friend Mike used to sign his bill is in Jimmy's hands and he constantly has to stop himself from chewing on the top, a nasty habit he developed at thirteen before he accidentally broke it and swallowed ink.

Instead he starts mindlessly drawing shapes on a beer-stained napkin, a nicer habit he picked up from Amelia, who constantly scribbles or draws plans for imaginary rooms on any blank surface she can draw on.

He sneaks another glance over to the table Amelia and Joshua are at, sharing a drink, and she's making him laugh about something. Sandra walks by, taps Amelia on the shoulder to say hi, and then leaves.

He considers going over there dramatically claiming his I'm-not-really-sure-but-I-think-this-is-pretty-close-to-love feelings for her, but his cheeks flush at the imminent embarrassment since that doesn't happen in real life.

Suddenly Amelia looks over to him and she beams, the first time he's seen her do it since she walked in with Joshua. He smiles and waves. Then she frowns dramatically, cocking her head to the side, nonverbally asking what's wrong.

He brings his palms together, tilts his head, and closes his eyes in a sleepy gesture. She furrows her brow and he can't do this; he simply waves goodbye before tapping Mike on the shoulder to let him know he's leaving.

Once he steps outside, he takes a deep breath and starts walking back to his dorm, ignoring the taxis. But as soon as he's a block away and a particularly cold gust of April wind hits him, he realizes he left his jacket in the bar.

He bites back a _fuck_ , figuring someone will hopefully pick it up or Charlie will find it at the end of the night.

As he's crossing the street to make a left, he hears, "Jimmy!"

He turns around and tries not to gape at Amelia running over to him with his jacket draped over an arm. "Ames, you didn't have to –"

"It probably would've gotten stolen, it's no problem at all," she waves him off.

He takes the jacket and puts it on. "Thank you."

"No problem." Then she smiles a tad awkwardly, clapping her hands together. "So, uh, I should go –"

"I really like you."

She freezes, her lips parted mid-sentence and he's quickly trying to figure out if he can do a college transfer mid-junior year – that's totally possible, right?

"Sorry!" he says, mortified and he can feel his face growing hot, "I – that was dumb and rude. And awful. You're in the middle of a date I am – just ignore that –"

"I like you too," she cuts him off, turning pink.

They stare at each other blankly for a few seconds.

"I just agreed to go on the date because I was tired of waiting for you and I didn't – and Joshua apparently – Kyle put him to it because he figured maybe you would – I don't know –"

 _Goddamn it, Kyle._ "Could I kiss you now? I kind of want to and I figured I should really ask before I just – so, uh?" He feels like his tongue is too big for his mouth and he should shut up because he's pretty sure this is the most awkward confession to have happened on this planet.

"Yeah – yes. Please. I mean," she squeezes her eyes shut for a second, "You're allowed." Then she shakes her head. "Actually you know what, _please_ do so because we both sound like morons right now, so –"

He cuts her off with a kiss, cupping her face as she sighs. He closes his eyes and finds heaven in the warmth of her mouth, lips, breath, feeling his heart lighten and flutter that he can't help but smile against her.

He pulls away just enough so she's still close, sharing the air between them and just as he's about to say something, a pair of headlights flash and he realizes they're still in the middle of the road.

He takes her hand and leads her to the sidewalk and she's laughing, lips too gloriously pink and her cheeks are flushed so he kisses her again, just once, before going back to her dorm.

(He asks her out officially and they make out for a bit before he goes to sleep _elated_ for the first time in so long.)

**

So movies and television don't quite portray the reality of punching someone in the face: it _really_ hurts, the bones of his hand connect with the jawbone is a painful, jarring feeling that he can feel up to his wrist. But the satisfaction in the wake of it? That's what movies and television got right.

"What the _fuck_ , Novak?" Donnie yells, cupping his jaw and glaring at him.

Jimmy brings his shaking hand still clenched in a fist into his other hand, body thrumming with adrenaline. "Alex never did it and he talked about it so much, just thought I'd do it for him," he answers and he can almost _hear_ Alex laughing in his mind, feel the slamming pats on the back he would've gotten if he were here. "Also do you know how fucking _rude_ it is to show up to a funeral after it's over? Why even bother, you obnoxious son of a bitch? Just go back to LA where you belong, you dick."

And he walks away. He can hear the gossiping behind him and he's pretty sure his parents are praying for his forgiveness, assuming he's being temporarily possessed by a demon, but he just smiles and continues on.

**

"I'm definitely not strong enough," Jimmy mutters as he tries to pick Claire up and there's a moment where he's sure he's going to drop her, but he pushes through and she's in his arms again like she was four. "Hah," he exhales with a victorious grin.

"Yes, my dad is so strong. I'm underweight for my age, you know, the doctor said so," Claire deadpans and he's wondering when he started using sarcasm because it certainly wasn't at ten-going-on-eleven.

"Hey, watch it," he says.

"Uh, you can put me down you know," she says a few seconds later.

"In a minute. Want to see how long I last."

"Sure," she answers softly, her arms around his neck tightening into a proper hold.

**

The only reason why Jimmy is allowed to be with Alex in the first place is this: both Jimmy's and Alex's parents believe that he can 'save' Alex, bring another person closer to God and that this must be a test for him in some way.

It really doesn't make sense since Alex doesn't seem to want to go to church more when he's with Jimmy, but Jimmy likes to think he reels Alex in sometimes.

Like right now he's trying to reel Alex in from getting a tattoo in Alex's room.

"Oh come on, Jimmy-Jam, it's not against Catholicism – I can get a tattoo. It's not like I'm Jewish," Alex drawls as he quickly reads through a Latin book.

Jimmy sighs. "I know, but –"

"Hey, at least I waited until I was eighteen. Perfectly legal, right?" Alex glances up and Jimmy nods. "Now, are you done being my third parent and can I have Jimmy Novak back?"

Jimmy looks up to the ceiling for a moment and asks, "What are you planning on getting?"

Alex grins. "I want to get a Latin saying on my chest."

Jimmy blinks. "Wait, really? I thought you were planning on something offensive to give your parents more grief."

Alex rolls his eyes. "They fucking wish, they love feeling like victims over me." Then he hands over the Latin book to him. "I want this to mean something. My first and all that." Then he laughs. "I love how I'm more sentimental about this than the first time I fucked a girl."

Jimmy winces at the language and takes the book, opening to a random page. "This isn't your textbook," he says, surprised as he glances over the advanced Latin.

"Yeah, well, our high school blows when it comes to Latin. Shields is so fucking old I wouldn't be surprised if he dropped dead in the middle of class."

"Heaven forbid," Jimmy mutters, stopping on a page. "Hm."

"What?"

"No, just. I like this phrase _capax infiniti_. Holding the infinite. It's kind of poetic," Jimmy answers, turning the page and flushing.

"Why?" Alex asks.

Jimmy sneaks a glance and realizes he's being serious, so he answers, "Because – well. I think of it as meaning that we as people, humans, can house something infinite, like divinity, even though we're such…finite beings. If that makes any sense."

He continues looking through the book until Alex says, "I like that."

Jimmy looks up again to find Alex wearing a funny smile on his face, his eyes a little glassy. He's about to ask if he's okay, but Alex pushes forward with, "So, if I were to get that tattooed, where would I have it? I was thinking over my heart, but maybe I want it on my forearm."

"Wait, what?"

"Thanks for helping me pick out a tattoo," Alex chimes cheerfully, reaching over to pat Jimmy's arm and then taking the book from Jimmy's loose hold.

"I didn't play a part in this," Jimmy tells Alex. "My parents will ground me until the end of time."

Alex waves a hand. "Yeah, yeah, just between us," he agrees as he stands up, going over to his messy desk to rummage for a functioning pen or marker. Once he finds a black one, he says, "Come on, I need you to write it on my chest and on my right arm so I can get an idea of which one would look better."

A month later while Alex's parents are away for their anniversary, Jimmy gets a call from Alex to see the tattoo. The skin in between the letters and around the words are a blotchy red that's shocking against his white skin, but _capax infiniti_ is in simple, strong lettering straight across his heart and it's strangely beautiful.

"It hurt like a _bitch_ , but I think it came out really fucking well," Alex says, looking down at it and wincing. He then lifts up his head and beams. "Maybe I can convince you to get something, like _ad arbitrium_ – it means at will or pleasure – that should motivate you."

Jimmy rolls his eyes. "I think I'll refrain from that, thank you." He stares at the tattoo again, already used to it on Alex's skin. Alex may be able to hide it from his parents for a few months, but come the summer, they'll find out and who knows if this will be the final straw.

"So, what do you think?" Alex asks, eyebrows raised as he throws his arms out.

"It's nice, but –"

"But what?"

"I'm just confused as to _why_ you chose that one," Jimmy blurts. "It's been bothering me for a month."

Jimmy holds his breath as Alex stares at him blankly for a few seconds, wondering if Alex is going to lose his temper and kick him out, inadvertently inspiring Alex to do something reckless and stupid (a constant fear Jimmy has going in the back of his mind).

Instead, Alex gives him a soft smile. "I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen up and never bring it up again, got it?"

Jimmy nods.

Alex sighs and Jimmy is pretty sure he can see a flush growing on Alex's cheeks. "Look, Jimmy, you're the little brother I've always wanted and you fucking mean something to me, so this is just. You have this huge heart and I don't know why after what you've dealt with and – _capax infiniti_? That's you. You can hold the infinite, whatever that entails. So."

Jimmy's throat closes up and he has to try _so hard_ not to cry because he knows Alex will make fun of him indefinitely for it. "Oh," is all he manages to say because everything he _does_ want to say – _I'm so touched and honored and you're family to me_ – is incapable of getting past his lips.

It's not until Jimmy's about to leave Alex's house when he's able to say, "Thank you," thinking that sums up what he's feeling nicely enough.

**

Jimmy is squeezing his eyes shut, panting into the crook of Amelia's neck, making sure his hips aren't touching hers.

"Are you okay?" Amelia asks, sounding out of breath and running her hands through his hair at the nape of his neck.

"Yeah," he exhales. "Just…calming down," he continues with a wince and a blush.

She shakes her head, using her other hand that's resting lightly on his back to push him down so his body's weight is on her again. He tries not to groan at the friction by biting his bottom lip.

"I'm ready," she whispers, still carding her fingers through his hair.

He has to blink a few times before he understands what she's saying. "Are you –"

"Yes. Are you?"

His southern region is screaming _yes_ , but he ponders on the question for a little because _God_ , if his mother knew about this, she'd judge Amelia, claiming her to be a whore (especially since she lost her virginity at seventeen and hasn't told a single soul until a few weeks ago). For years, he's been told that abstinence is the only answer and that he has to _wait for marriage_ , but come sixteen-going-on-seventeen, he's sucking on his girlfriend-at-the-time's tongue and she kisses down his chest, his button-down collared shirt open, to undo the fly of his jeans and give him a blowjob that really doesn't last long. But they're young and lust is so new and it's rushing through their veins and he wants to make her feel as good as he did, so he learns about female anatomy that his school failed to tell him, knowledge that's all been useless to him since that night, since they broke up a few weeks afterwards.

He may be a virgin, but he hasn't been the poster child for abstinence.

(Besides, he's more than sure he's going to marry Amelia – he's already saving money for an engagement ring and there's no way he's going to graduate without having gone down on one knee.)

He nods, lowering his head to kiss her. "Yes," he whispers against her lips.

They're nervous and they stop for a few minutes to laugh because they both have condoms (Kyle has been giving him a condom everyday since they arrived back at school for their senior year and Jimmy promised to keep one in his wallet just in case; and Sandra handed Amelia a box with a wink for her birthday a few weeks ago). She knees him in the side by accident and he has the hardest time undoing the fly of her jeans because there are _buttons_ where a _zipper_ should be, which makes her crack up, tears falling from the corner of her eyes.

His hands are shaking when he puts on a condom and she thankfully doesn't laugh over this and he's so, so careful sliding into her, focusing on her face, which winces slightly because she hasn't done it beyond that one time years ago. His forearms are _shaking_ as he waits for her to give him the okay to move and he's thinking about the _nastiest_ things to keep himself from coming, but the intimacy of this moment just further convinces him that he's not meant to share this with anyone else.

"Okay," she says in a shaky voice.

He gives her a sloppy kiss before closing his eyes and moves.

**

Jimmy, Amelia, and Claire are out for ice cream, celebrating Claire's first week of kindergarten and the sun is shining, there's a cool breeze that makes the early September heat comfortable, and the sky is a perfect shade of blue.

"Your eyes match the sky!" Claire announces happily with a toothy grin.

Amelia laughs and shrugs her shoulders. "It's true," she agrees, pinching his cheek.

In the corner of his eye he sees a flash of light and for a moment, he thinks it's the sun reflecting off the windshield of a car, but when he turns to it, he sees a shining ball of light, almost like his drawing of Gabriel all those years ago in Sunday School.

" _Jimmy_."

"Castiel," Jimmy says, dropping his ice cream onto the ground.

Just when he's about to question this – _all_ of this – Castiel charges at him, surrounding him in a blinding white light and he hears _shut your eyes!_ through his screaming because there's _pain_ and –

**

Jimmy opens his eyes in an unfamiliar place with two unfamiliar (and yet familiar?) men shaking his shoulders, calling him 'Cas' and how did he get from his front step to where _here_ is?

He's disoriented and heart pounding in his chest and they keep calling him _Cas_ and "I'm not Castiel," he tells them, "It's me," and he doesn't know why he's acting like they know _him_ when they just know Castiel who _used_ his body for God knows how long and – "He's gone."

**

They drive to a fast-food place because Jimmy's stomach starts growling like hasn't eaten all day (although he technically hasn't eaten for nearly a _year_ , which almost makes him pass out when does the math after Sam tells him the date). He orders two burgers and two large fries and a large soda and he's pretty sure nothing tastes as good as this.

The Winchester brothers interrogate him, clearly unnerved by his mannerisms or the way he talks, as if they're expecting Castiel to suddenly appear, the idea almost making him vomit (not again).

They ask if he remembers anything and he doesn't – he remembers those otherworldly flashes of bright light, a sudden feeling of being on a high-speed rollercoaster that's infinite ( _chained to a comet_ ) and that's all.

**

Some things do start to come back, but it's like suddenly remembering information that he previously studied for a test: he just _knows_ demons exist, that his body has been hurt and healed a number of times, that he's been to parts of the world that man probably hasn't touched yet.

It just makes him more desperate to go home and _forget_.

So he fakes being asleep, something he learned from Alex years ago: deep, even breaths, occasional snort, switch sides every now and again. He waits a good few seconds before opening the door and leaving the motel, going on his toes as he rushes across the parking lot.

At least he can be grateful his wallet is still in his trench coat and his wedding band is safely tucked away in his inner pocket.

**

(When Amelia first started believing that he was developing schizophrenia with his talk of Castiel, he briefly considered Alex being visited by an angel, but the idea quickly died at the time because he was _certain_ that an angel wouldn't let someone as sick as Alex kill himself, but now he's not so sure.) 

**

He can see Claire doing her homework through the window and she's _beautiful_ , older, and Amelia comes up behind her and he's blown away by how similar they are.

(The fact that he even told Amelia that _Castiel_ was the most important thing to happen to him makes him sick because there was nothing more miraculous in his life than meeting Amelia and having Claire as his daughter.)

**

Amelia puts away scraps of fabric and binders full of drawings from the chairs, no doubt in the middle of a job and he almost asks about hard it must be for her since she prefers earth tones for interior decorating, not saturated, bright colors like this homeowner is clearly asking for, but she's still wiping her face off with tears and he holds his tongue.

When he said _yes_ , he didn't think about Claire not knowing what happened. He and Amelia kept their arguing about Castiel behind closed doors for her own peace of mind because too many of her peers deal with the instability that comes with parents fighting. He considers coming clean, that he followed the command of Heaven and was a prisoner in his own body, but the psych clinic lie rolls off his tongue, a resigning alternative of a beginning that leads to the same conclusion: it was all a mistake.

("I was…I was confused, Amelia. I was completely delusional. And I thought – I thought God was calling me to something and I thought that it was something important and…I was wrong, I was such an idiot.")

**

"Hi, Daddy."

He holds her in his arms and she's _so_ , _so_ precious to him, more of an angel than Castiel or any other celestial being that exists. When he kisses her head he's surprised by the inches she grew and the whiff of strawberries, different from the coconut shampoo she was using before he left and he never wants to miss changes like that again.

She pulls away slowly and he almost grips her sweater to keep her close, feeling like a clingy child, but Amelia is acting like she wants to get through dinner quickly, even though she keeps glancing at him with barely conceived awe and disbelief and love, despite what he did and he doesn't want to share this chance with God, who clearly has nothing to do with anything anymore, so he takes a sandwich from the middle of the table.

"Daddy. Aren't you gonna say grace?"

Even though he's resolute in his decision, he really is, it still breaks his heart to let go of something he's always had his whole life. "No, honey, I don't think I am."

"Why are you crying?"

"'Cause I'm happy." And he is, he's so happy to be home with his family and to see his daughter smile and to feel his wife's comforting hand on his knee under the table.

This is where he's meant to be and he'll be damned if he let's this all go again.

**

He's bashing his neighbor ( _demondemondemon_ ) with a candlestick and he should've fucking _listened_ to the Winchesters, who are war-weary in this Heaven versus Hell battle where Earth is the chessboard and humans are the pawns.

He does his best, he _tries_ to find salt to keep them safe but Amelia is fighting him and Claire escapes and soon she has a _knife_ to her throat and this is something straight of his nightmares.

Actually, it was one of Alex's nightmares when he was ten and he banged on the Novak's front door at four in the morning, crying and screaming for Jimmy and had to _see_ him to make sure he was still alive. Jimmy just inherited that among other things from Alex, and Jimmy still wonders if Alex chose a knife to kill himself as some sort of poetical symmetry instead of it being the one thing he had access to in his parents' home.

[ ](http://clair-chan.deviantart.com/art/SPN-Alex-and-Anna-360977559)

**

Claire is shaking in his trench coat that makes her look years younger by how it dwarfs her. The Winchesters are speeding, tense in the front seats and Amelia can't stop repeating _I'm sorry, I'm sorry_ , _I should've believed you, I'm sorry_. 

**

"Take care of your mom, okay, bub?"

She nods, solemn and he presses his forehead against hers before realizing what this means, at least in his mind, and he hopes he's not passing down another Alex curse he inherited without even realizing its significance until it was too late.

He gets into the backseat of the Winchesters' car and his trench coat is crumpled on the ground where Claire left it. With shaky hands, he picks it up and puts it against the window to rest on.

(Tears fall on the coat and roll off when he smells strawberries.)

**

"Castiel, you son of a bitch! You promised me my family would be okay. You _promised_ you were gonna take care of them. I gave you _everything_ you asked me to give – I gave you _more_. This is the thanks I get? This is what you do? This is your _heaven_? Help me, _please_. You _promised_ , Cas. Just help me."

His breath is rattling in his chest and he still has this _boyish, stupid_ hope that a warm light will shine from the sky and Castiel will arrive with big, white wings and a halo over his head, but it's still dark and Illinois is fucking _freezing_ at night this time of year. He shakes his head and mutters, "Typical," properly experiencing a disillusionment with God that he never thought he'd experience.

**

So movies and television don't quite portray the reality of getting shot in the stomach: sure, the actor's face will contort in pain, but they sometimes don't portray the _shock_ , the sudden feeling of being punched in the gut before the sharp pain of metal slicing through organs overwhelms the nerves. They also don't fall to the ground quick enough because there's no way to stand for more than a second after being shot.

"Where's little orphan Annie," he can hear Amelia ( _demondemondemon_ ) say but it's muffled and he's seeing gray in his peripheral.

He wants to crawl over, protect Claire, but he can't _move_ , he can only watch and he can honestly say he doesn't expect her to open her eyes and to see _Castiel_.

He would smile if it didn't all _hurt_.

**

It's strange having Claire's hand run through his hair in an almost comforting manner, something his mother used to do years ago and maybe Castiel is doing it on purpose, or it's a natural instinct that he picked up from being around humans, from being inside one.

"Of course we keep our promises. Of course you have our gratitude," Castiel says, changing Claire's voice so it's deeper and toneless. "You served us well. Your work is done. It's time to go home now, your real home. You'll rest forever in the fields of the Lord," Castiel continues, eyes kind despite the neutral expression. "Rest now, Jimmy."

"No," he wheezes, desperate to cling on to life just a bit longer. " _Claire_."

"She's with me now."

His stomach rolls and a fresh wave of agony tears through him, bringing more blood to his mouth.

"She's chosen. It's in her blood, as it was in yours."

( _Capax infiniti_ takes on a gross meaning that reeks of inevitability and ignorance.)

"Please, Castiel," he begs, past caring that he sounds desperate and young, "Just take me. Take me, please."

The gray is turning into black and he can feel his heart giving out and _not yet_.

"I want to make sure you understand," Castiel finally says. "You won't die or age. If this last year was painful for you, picture a hundred, a thousand more like it."

He grabs onto Claire's shoulder, his grip weak. "It doesn't matter," Jimmy insists, Claire's face blurring and fading. "You take me. Just take me."

In a surprisingly human gesture, Castiel sighs and closes Claire's eyes in resignation before saying, "As you wish," cupping his face with Claire's small, soft hands.

The pain eventually is soothed and he can breathe, his vision taken by white light that doesn't blind him like he's used to and for a moment, he sees _Claire_ , nervous and scared, but he can feel her love in the way she looks at him.

He tries to say I love you, but he's not sure he's moving his lips or even making a sound and eventually a high pitched noise becomes too much and –

**

Jimmy Novak blinks and he finds himself standing in a garden.

He's still wearing a suit, trench coat, and dress shoes. Clothes clean, gunshot wound gone.

The grass is long dead under his feet and flowers in his peripheral are withered and wilted, dull. It reminds him of an abandoned cemetery he used to go to with Alex to get out of Eureka and he suddenly remembers the last time he was here, garden thrumming with life and saturated with colors and his head aches like he's coming down from a sugar high, embarrassing, awful, sad memories in the forefront of his mind that Castiel kept at bay.

Like after letting go of the swing and flying, he fell with a sickening crack and woke up with a broken arm and drugged to keep the pain dulled.

And yes, Alex was like an older brother to him throughout his childhood, but there was always this undercurrent; Jimmy was so afraid of and for Alex sometimes, feeling older than him when he considered his options in case Alex had gone too far and was kicked out. Jimmy remembers having emergency money saved in case he needed to bail Alex out of jail and there's something so wrong about that.

His relationship with religion and God got rocky with every death he experienced and yet, it always manages to put him back on his feet, even though he still remembers first wondering about life after death, if it really exists.

He remembers staring at the mirror in his room with his shirt off, contemplating _capax infiniti_ and having it marked on his own chest, like a familial inheritance, but Alex had just died a week ago and he knew as soon as the needle touched his skin, he would've screamed and wouldn't have been able to stop.

(He still considers it from time to time, but he always comes to the same conclusion that it'll hurt more than it'll help.)

Jimmy chokes out a sob and falls to his knees, his heart aching like he'd been shot and he doesn't realize he's being watched until a pair of familiar dress shoes comes into his blurry vision.

Castiel is standing above him, his identical twin from his hair to his feet, except Castiel's eyes are unnervingly neon blue and bloodshot, his skin white, fists clenched until he reaches out with a hand, gently running it through his hair like he did in Claire's body, which makes Jimmy choke on a cry.

"I don't want anything," Jimmy says, tasting his tears. "I don't want to feel _anything_."

"Alright," Castiel acquiesces, moving his hand from the back of Jimmy's head to his forehead, gently placing two fingers against his skin as light as a kiss.

**

Jimmy's in that warm, comfortable space between sleep and awake, incoherent thoughts floating. He can feel Amelia in his arms, hear her deep breathing and smell her body wash and taste her salted skin and nothing is better than this.

_…el…_

Jimmy inhales and exhales through his nose and he can hear Amelia giggle, flinching.

_…as…el…_

Amelia turns in his arms and he keeps his eyes shut, smiling. She leans in and their noses rub against each other's.

_…tiel!..._

He groans, resting his forehead against hers. "Come on," she whispers, but her voice is too low and it's cracking with emotion and he hears –

_Castiel!_

He opens his eyes with a gasp and he's sitting on a park bench in an unfamiliar playground. He looks down at himself and he's wearing the _Rio_ shirt, which automatically makes him smile, bring a hand to his chest to feel the worn material.

"I'm sorry, I know you requested I…that you remain unconscious."

Jimmy turns his head to find Castiel sitting on another park bench. He looks weary, like the way Jimmy used to look that first year after college, struggling to find a job and working late hours to make enough money without the help of his parents and Amelia's widowed mother.

"So it takes more effort to smother me. I thought angels were all powerful," Jimmy says, rolling his eyes, resting against the back of the bench.

"There's a hierarchy in Heaven, I do not have infinite access to all of Heaven's glory," Castiel answers.

"Claire is okay," Castiel tells him and of course he can tell what he's thinking and try to _not_ think about. "There will be no negative side effects of my…possessing her."

"Any positive?" Jimmy snorts, glancing over at Castiel, who tilts his head in thought.

"I suppose she may have a predilection for languages. It's not…common for an angel to use a human for such a short period of time, so."

"Well…at least she's not brain dead," Jimmy tries to joke, but he just makes himself cry.

"Your family is protected, Jimmy."

"Go fuck yourself," Jimmy spits as he wipes his face, not giving a shit anymore if he insults an angel of the Goddamn Lord.

Castiel sighs. "I've become accustomed to blasphemous words and thoughts. You are quite tame in comparison to Dean Winchester."

Jimmy shakes his head, looking down at his shirt. "Where the hell did this shirt go, anyway?" he murmurs, remembering that awful day when someone broke into their box of an apartment a few months in, stealing whatever money was around, his damn shirt, and Alex's collection of tapes.

"It was taken by a desperate man named Louis Rosse. The tapes were widely distributed for sale and the shirt ended up being purchased by Richard Silverstein, who then gave it to his younger brother Cooper as a gift. Cooper Silverstein is now thirty years old, living in California with his pregnant wife Cecile. He still wears the shirt on occasion, but his wife seems to wear it more often for sentimental reasons."

Jimmy blinks a few times, letting the information sink in because _wow_ , he's imagined so many damn theories as to what happened to his shirt and he was so _angry_ about it for so long because it was the one serious, heartfelt thing Alex ever gave to him. But he supposes he can be okay with a nice, growing family having it.

"Is Alex in Heaven?" Jimmy inquires softly. "I know he – that it's technically a mortal sin, but he was sick –"

"The mentally ill aren't sent to Hell for their actions," Castiel interrupts him. "He is home and content."

"That's good." Jimmy feels a weight lift off his chest, the old worry never having gone away.

"Yes. He and Jennifer and quite happy together."

"Who's Jen – wa – my _sister_ , Jenny?" Jimmy splutters.

Castiel smiles softly. "Their hearts were marked and they were destined for each other, but unfortunately Jennifer did not recover from the flu."

Jimmy brings both his hands through his hair, gripping it tight. "I heard Alex scream when he found out. It gave me chills."

"Yes, it doesn't happen often, but it's tragic when it does."

Jimmy shakes his head and looks up at the sky. "I can only imagine what _that_ relationship would've been like," he mutters to himself.

They sit in silence for what Jimmy assumes to be a few minutes, but he has no sense of time here. In the distance he thinks he's beginning to see Claire picking flowers from the ground, blonde hair shining in the sun.

"I have never questioned God until now."

"You wouldn't be the first being to do so."

"Where did you go, Castiel?" Jimmy asks, looking at him.

Jimmy looks down and can see a faint tremble in Castiel's hands. Amelia used to hold his hands steady whenever that happens.

"Bad, huh."

"I was escorted back to Heaven."

"Apparently that's a bad thing?"

Castiel doesn't say anything, which is probably enough of an agreement.

Claire's high laugh carries over the wind and from far away, the sun shining behind her and creating a halo around her head as she spins around, dress fluttering around her knees.

"You promised me they'd be safe," Jimmy whispers and when he turns his head, Castiel is standing beside him, looking at him with confliction, worry lines prominent around his eyes.

"Sleep," Castiel whispers, putting two fingers to his forehead.

Then nothing.

**

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Claire?"

"There are angels, right?"

Jimmy smiles. "Right."

"So what do they do all day? I mean I _know_ they bowl in Heaven and that's why it thunders when it rains, but what do they do when it's sunny out?"

He laughs, rolling his head to look at her, grass tickling his temple from under him. "I don't know," he admits. "Maybe they're singing songs in the clouds. Watching over people."

"Then do you think we have a guardian angel?" Her blue-green eyes widening, little pink mouth in the shape of a perfect 'O.' "That would be _so cool_."

He hums in agreement, rolling his head back so he's looking up at the sky. He's not sure about guardian angels, old, deep-seated bitterness from when he was six and hearing his mother crying herself to sleep every night for months after Jenny's passing; he's unable to believe a designated guardian angel for his family when they suffered so much. But Claire is young and she hasn't experienced anything worse than a carnival goldfish dying and Jimmy can't be more grateful. He'll let her believe nice things while she can.

"That would be very cool," he agrees.

And who knows. Maybe his parents are watching over them, or maybe even Alex is watching over Claire, who carries the middle name Alexandra in honor of him, even if she doesn't know it yet. The idea is certainly a nice one.

"Guys! Lunch is ready!" Amelia calls from the house.

Jimmy groans as he sits up while Claire jumps to her feet without losing breath. "I really want lemonade," Claire says with a grin before running into the house.

Jimmy brushes the grass off his back and glances up at the sky again, smiling.

"Come on, _Jimbo_ ," Amelia says, laughing.

He shakes her head and goes inside to join his family.

**

Jimmy Novak blinks and he finds himself standing in a garden.

He's wearing the _Rio_ shirt and favorite jeans, with the hole inside the back left pocket and all.

There's lush grass under his feet, but there are some dead patches as well and flowers in his peripheral, vibrant and colorful, but there are also weeds and some of the plants look eaten by animals.

"Jimmy," Castiel says with urgency, eyes alight with craze and it's rather human, to be honest. In fact, this garden looks _normal_ , something he can easily imagine being someone's backyard. "Your family will be safe and will live long, happy lives. I will fight for it."

Jimmy furrows his brow. "What's going on?"

Castiel licks his bottom lip as the clouds roll in, the sky turning gray. "I'm rebelling against Heaven. I don't have much time, but."

"Wait wha –"

"Heaven wants Paradise on Earth, which means the desolation of everything that is. I – I cannot let that happen. And I'm afraid – no. We won't survive the wrath of the archangel Raphael."

Jimmy stops breathing, the ground under his feet quaking.

"He's coming," Castiel says, striding towards him. "I can suppress your soul so you're unconscious for the blast, but I'm afraid I won't be able to do so for very long," he continues quickly and even though he's resolute, he still seems visibly upset. "I'm sorry, Jimmy."

Jimmy's still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Heaven isn't as perfect as Church has led him to believe, but he supposes it's the least surprising concept he's tackled with this year.

Jimmy pats the space where Castiel's heart is. "Capax infiniti," he says because possessing humanity is infinite in its own right.

Castiel briefly rests his hand over Jimmy's and it's a little weird since Castiel is technically in his body, but Castiel looks so touched that Jimmy doesn't immediately pull his hand back.

"Unless," Castiel mutters, looking down to the side in thought for a second before pinning him down with his neon eyes. "You give me consent to release your soul into Heaven. You won't feel anything, I promise."

"Of course you keep your promises," Jimmy says, repeating what he said to him in that warehouse.

" _I_ do," Castiel stresses, eyes burning with determination.

Jimmy closes his stinging eyes. "I give you permission," he whispers and then feels his hands cupping his face, Castiel close enough so that their noses are touching.

"Jimmy Novak, may you live in eternal happiness in the glory of Heaven. And thank you."

Once Castiel's forehead rests against his, Jimmy is thrown through light and time, ears popping when he finds himself sitting in Claire's gymnasium, clapping enthusiastically as he watches Claire walk across the stage to get her certificate for graduating elementary school. Claire looks out into the audience and beams at him.

Someone whistles in the crowd and when Jimmy turns his head to find the person responsible because he's pretty sure it's Roger, he's suddenly looking up at St. Peter's Basilica, standing large and proud, grand in a way that makes him feel small and humble. Amelia has tears in her eyes because this is a dream come true for her and he's so happy to be able to give it to her.

"Let's go inside," he urges, taking her sweaty hand in his own, walking through the doors and now he's in the local Pontiac Catholic Church, watching Claire getting Confirmed and she's beginning to grow into a beautiful young woman.

He blinks to push back tears, but when his eyes open he's watching Duran Duran on stage in Chicago and they play a few songs from _Rio_ , the nine-year-old boy in him is content.

_Oh Rio, Rio dance across the Rio Grande –_

He's listening to the song in his car from the passenger seat, directing Claire how to drive and she's _finally_ starting to get the hang of it and it's obvious in the way she handles the wheel, letting it spin through her loose grip on a turn and the way her breaking has become more gradual. He closes his eyes for a few seconds and let's out a relieved breath –

Amelia has more lines around her eyes and her hair is going gray at the temples, but she's radiant as he slips on her new wedding band, a ring of diamonds as they renew their vows in a small Italian church on the outskirts of Florence. He closes his eyes as they kiss and the way she smiles against his mouth reminds him of their wedding years and years ago.

He opens his eyes and Claire is throwing her hat up in the air with the rest of her graduating class and she'll be off to college soon on the west coast and it's just a perfect excuse to avoid the Illinois winters.

He tries to wipe his eyes without anyone noticing, but Amelia kisses a tear-stained cheek and smiles in understanding.

He looks ahead and now he's watching Claire wearing a white dress kiss a man with dark hair and tan skin and she's no longer a Novak by name, but he now has a son-in-law with a snark that reminds him of Alex a little too much sometimes, but Claire loves him with everything she has, and Jimmy can see it reflected back in this boy's eyes.

His heart clenches at watching another milestone in Claire's life come and go and soon the skin and muscle covering his heart are stinging as the tattoo artist writes _capax infiniti_ in black ink. He's seventy-years-old his son-in-law is bragging about what a badass he is. When Jimmy sees the finished product in the mirror, it just makes him smile.

The fluorescent lights of the tattoo parlor are reflecting off the mirror and they blind him, making him weak. He feels Amelia holding his hand and Claire holding his other and he's ready now.

Jimmy Novak closes his eyes and ascends.


End file.
